The Equation of Marriage

I recently discussed about being in a relationship with some friends. One of them who will get married at the end of next year and afterward will move to another part of Indonesia with her husband-to-be told us that she feels so weird because she is not sure about her short term plan in life. While she knows exactly what she will be doing some years from now, she has no idea of what she should be doing now. Furthermore, she thinks that all her decisions revolve around her boyfriend’s and their relationship’s interest. She decided to move to the town where her boyfriend stays to nurture their relationship and to prepare them for the marriage, which is very good, even though at that time she didn’t know what to do there. She could actually just stay in Jakarta and started building her career. For you to know, her boyfriend is now having his training to be an obstetrician in that town, so it is impossible for him to move to Jakarta.

Another issue, before they moved to that another part of Indonesia, she really wants to pursue a higher education in order to equip her so that she can contribute something on her own, and not merely being a supplement to what her husband-to-be will do there. But her choices of the university she can attend are limited because her boyfriend wants her to be near, even though they both know that the university which has a good program of her choice is located in Jakarta. So in short, she is questioning herself, whether she is doing the right thing. She was reminded by some friends that marriage is only a part of life, that it should not intervene our vision or calling, and that she should develop herself as she should be.

It reminds me of what my mentor once said to me years ago. He said that in most marriage the equation would be like this: 1+1=1. With this equation he wanted to explain that when two people bound in a marriage they will compromise many things in order to become one, even when it means suppressing one’s capacity, ceasing one’s dream, and losing one’s vision. He suggested that I should find someone with whom I can turn the equation into 1+1=2 or even more. According to him, marriage should not prevent us from blooming into what we are meant to be. He added that it is exactly in marriage that the couple should work in a team to cultivate each potential. That way, the couple can be a blessing for others.

On the other hand, there’s another true story about a successful woman who is regretful for not being able to always be near her short-lived husband. She is a medical doctor who had the opportunity to have a further training in Germany, and later did her government obligation in a remote area in Indonesia so that she could get her license to practice. While she was away for the training and government obligation, her husband stayed in Jakarta because he also had his responsibility. So they were rarely being together, but they were very supportive one to each other. It was during her government obligation though that her husband died of a sudden heart attack. She never imagined that he would leave her that soon.. The incident left her with guilt and so many 'if'.

Well, I’ve never been in the same boat, so I’m not sure what to do when someday I come to such situation, even though I'm aware that this is what many women are facing.. I just recall another friend told me that people have their own path, and when they come into a relationship they still have their own life. The analogy is the railway. There are two lines run in parallel, they never become one but are never separated.. What do you think?

November 12th 2009
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